


ShiraHOEizawa

by cammew, mzyz



Series: Hoekyuu Texting [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Asexual Character, Attempt at Humor, Light angst (kinda), M/M, Multi, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, Texting, by the way terushima is yamagatas cousin, chatfic, pure goshiki, shiratori is just a huge gay family, shiratorizawa are hoes, tendou pls stop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:48:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cammew/pseuds/cammew, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mzyz/pseuds/mzyz
Summary: tendou creates a group chat and all hell breaks loose(aka badly written humor and shiratorizawa is a big gay family)





	ShiraHOEizawa

**Author's Note:**

> Ushijima- fatherushijeems  
> Tendou- tendont  
> Goshiki- ACE :D  
> Shirabu- saltabu  
> Semi- semisemi  
> Kawanishi-TaichiInThePark  
> Yamagata-hayatoot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is hell, why did we do this?
> 
> ushijima- fatherushijeems  
> tendou- tendont  
> goshiki- ACE XD  
> shirabu- saltabu  
> semi- semisemi  
> reon- uncle.grandpa  
> kawanishi- TaichiInThePark  
> yamagata- hayatoot
> 
> **
> 
> oikawa- princess_aliem  
> hanamaki- dBoy  
> matsukawa- fromD  
> iwaizumi- baRAARMS.CHAN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry in advance

_tendont added fatherushijeems, semisemi, saltabu,TaichiInThePark, ACE :D, Uncle.Grandpa, and Hayatoot to “shiraHOErizawa”_

 

saltabu: nope

 

_saltabu has left shiraHOEizawa_

 

tendont: um,,,,,,, r00d,,,,,

 

_tendont added saltabu to shiraHOEizawa_

 

saltabu: gfdi

semisemi: satori wtf is this

tendont: eita my love its wat u would call a group chat

fatherushijeems: Good idea Satori. This could be a useful asset for team affairs.

ACE :D : OMG A GROUP CHAT !! XD

ACE :D : ushijima-senpai, your username is...

fatherushijeems: Ah, forgive me, Tsutomu, Satori set it for me and I can't figure out how to change it.

TaichiInThePark: what is this, why am i here and also can i leave

hayatoot: taichi dont you love us?

TaichiInThePark: stfu your name is hayatoot

saltabu: i really crave death rn

semisemi: ^^

tendont: is any1 gonna point out that wakatoshi uses perfect grammar and spelling lmao

Uncle.Grandpa: hi everyone :)

hayatoot: omg its best™

ACE :D : hi oohira-senpai!!

semisemi: satori turn off ur fuckin music i can hear it all the way down the hall

tendont: SOME PEOPLE DONT KNO HOW TO APPRECIATE CULTURE

saltabu: ITS NOT CULTURE ITS TERRIBLE ASS MUSIC

fatherushijeems: How do you know what music he's playing, Kenjirou?

semisemi: he's hanging out in my room

hayatoot: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

TaichiInThePark: why was i not invited?

ACE :D : OMG Yamagata-senpai, that's so cool

ACE :D : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

saltabu: hayato look what you did

semisemi: we were just hanging out, if u want u can come over

ACE :D : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

tendont: asfiusgdiuob

tendont: tsuTOMU DOnT dO tHAT

TaichiInThePark: i'm coming over

tendont: taichi why dont you ever visit me?

saltabu: cuz we're his fuckin boyfriends

Uncle.Grandpa: don't curse when tsutomu is in the chat

tendont: i'm hurt taichi, eita and kenjirou

tendont: i spend all my days thinking i mean something to you

tendont: it's always the people closest to you to stab you in the back

fatherushijeems: Like how Oikawa won't come to Shiratorizawa?

tendont: fuckin no wakatoshi not like that at all

TaichiInThePark: okay nvm going back to my dorm

semisemi: what happened?

TaichiInThePark: the RA caught me and yelled at me for "sneaking out at a late hour and you should be ashamed."

saltabu: the RA is almost as bad as coach wtf

Uncle.Grandpa: You should all get to sleep, we have practice at 6 tomorrow morning. Go back to your room, Shirabu.

saltabu: fine ok

hayatoot: gn friends

saltabu: die

hayatoot: gn everyone except kenjirou

tendont: night

fatherushijeems: Good night, everyone.

semisemi: g'night

ACE :D : ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

 

Tuesday, 1:35 am

 

tendont: psst

tendont: anyone up?

semisemi: go to bed satori

tendont: eita come to my room

semisemi: wtf no

tendont: but im bored

tendont: we can eat chips and watch Boku no Hero Academia

semisemi: as tempting as that sounds

semisemi: i have a test tmrw

tendont: you are the worst

tendont: i give up my baby for you, semi

tendont: i gave you my love, my trust. you lived with me to escape your abusive grandma and this is how you repay me?

semisemi: goodnight satori

 

Tuesday, 5:53 am

 

ACE :D : semi-senpai, you have an abusive grandma ??

Uncle.Grandpa: tsutomu, tendou was joking

TaichiInThePark: i dont wanna go to pratice u gh

semisemi: get ur ass over here soon, if you dont come coach is gonna freak

TaichiInThePark: if you tell him i'm running late i can make it to tokyo

fatherushijeems: Taichi, you should come to practice.

TaichiInThePark: i know i know i'm walking to the gym now

 

Tuesday, 1:00 pm

semisemi: does anyone want to help me kill A LITTLE BITCH NAMED SATORI

tendont: plz dont eita i luv u

Uncle.Grandpa: what did he do this time?

semisemi: so i was eating lunch in peace, when this lil tendhoe comes and sits with me… and thats fine… but he starts EATING MY FOOD LIKE NO ITS MY FOOD FUCK OFF SATORI

TaichiInThePark: oh shit

fatherushijeems: Satori, don't you have your own food?

Tendont: yeah but i ate it all

ACE :D: rip senpai ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

hayatoot: lmao semi get rekt

semisemi: actually go away

saltabu: I believe this was the worlds revenge for the time you took my instant ramen

semisemi: its instant ramen get over it

saltabu: WE LIVE IN FUCKING DORMS INSTANT RAMEN IS LIKE COCAINE IN A JAIL

Fatherushijeems: Kenjiro, Eita, and Satori. Is it possible that you could all come to an agreement where you don’t eat each other's food?

Tendont: never

saltabu: well fuck you satori i would love to make an agreement

Semisemi: i second that

TaichiInThePark: lmao

ACE :D: you can have my food tendou-senpai!!!!!!!!!!

tendont: *sniff* guys I love my precious kouhai

tendont: protect tsutomu at all costs

Semisemi: *facepalm* tsutomu dont encourage him

 ACE :D: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

 tendont: okay moments ruined b ye

TaichiInThePark: OMG

Uncle.Grandpa: you guys really shouldn’t be fighting though

Tendont: sorry mom T-T

ACE :D: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) 

fatherushijeems: Tsutomu, please stop using that thing, it makes me extremely uncomfortable

hayatoot: wtf wakatoshi no let tsutomu do whatever he wants

hayatoot: (plus its funny as shit)

 

_saltabu remnamed ACE :D to ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )_

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): :(

fatherushijeems: Class is about to start, you all shouldn’t be late. I will see you at practice later this afternoon.

tendont: gdi wakatoshi we know when practice is

semisemi: bye

saltabu: i hate all of you

hayatoot: any1 wanna play strip poker?

TaichiInThePark: go to class

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): what’s strip poker?

Uncle.Granpa: tsutomu don’t ask that. Bye guys

 

Wendsday, 12:06 am

TaichiInThePark: eita, kenji

TaichiInThePark: when we move in together after high school can we get a cat?

semisemi: wtf no taichi you’re allergic to cats

saltabu: ^^

TaichiInThePark: suddenly i can't read idk what ur talkin about eita

semisemi: we can get a fish

saltabu: who wants a fuckin fish as a pet

semisemi: tf u brat it was a suggestion

saltabu: well it was a shit suggestion

TaichiInThePark: srsly eita a fish really?

semisemi: i just came here to have a good time w my boyfriends

semisemi: and i’m honestly feeling so attacked rn

saltabu: stale meme get w the program eita

hayatoot: go to sleep if we wanted to hear the three of you flirt we would just go to breakfast in the mornings tf

saltabu: well fuck you too yamagata

 

Wendsday, 6:56 am

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): GUESS WHAT I LEARNED (‘◇’)

saltabu: jfc i wanna die @god

semisemi: be nice gdi

 

Wednesday, 2:04 pm

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): im done with classes for the day! (‘◇’) (‘◇’)

saltabu: no one fucking cares

Uncle.Grandpa: please be nice, and dont curse, kenjirou

tendont: dont curse when mom is around lmao

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): yeah shirabu

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): im kinda bored tho cuz practice starts in an hour and i dont have anything to do

tendont: then do smthin

Uncle.Grandpa: you should do your homework

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): but what should i do

Uncle.Grandpa: your homework

tendont: find more kaomojis

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): what r those

Uncle.Grandpa: do your homework

tendont: this ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° )

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): OOOOH

saltabu: tendou no

tendont: tendou yes

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

saltabu: why

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): (⁎⚈᷀᷁▿⚈᷀᷁⁎)

tendont: YES

semisemi: oh god

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): (⑅∫°ਊ°)∫

semisemi: i come on the group chat and this is what i see

saltabu: how do we stop this

tendont: you cant

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ⁽⁽◝(๑꒪່౪̮꒪່๑)◜⁾⁾≡₍₍◞(๑꒪່౪̮꒪່๑)◟₎₎

semisemi: you know what, NOPE

saltabu: same

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ╭( ･ㅂ･)و ̑̑ ˂ᵒ͜͡ᵏᵎ⁾✩

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ヽ/❀o ل͜ o\ﾉ

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): •ू(ᵒ̴̶̷ωᵒ̴̶̷*•ू) )੭ु⁾

 

Wednesday, 8:37 pm

fatherushijeems: Today's practice was very good, everyone, I hope you all continue to improve.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): thanks!!!!! ＼＼\\\ ⱶ˝୧(๑ ⁼̴̀ᐜ⁼̴́๑)૭兯 //／／

hayatoot: hes still using those

TaichiInThePark: ono

tendont: YES TSUTOMU

semisemi: please,,, no,,, goshiki

 

**we not interupt shirahoeizawa to bring you, one of us being bts trash (you fookin nerd):**

 

**NAAE PITTAM NUMAL OH MY GOD THIS IS MY SONGGGGGGGGGGG *when yoongi comes on and you jst die* oh my god AHHH,,,, NAMJOONIE AHH I LOVE U !!!!**   
**honestly i want hoseok to stomp on me plz,,, TAE OMGTHAT VOICEE *starts screaming OMGT by Madtown* MANHI MANHI MANHI MANHI MANHI**   
**YES YOONYOON THE RAP LINE IS SUCH A ABLESSING AHHHHHHHH ,,,, KOOKIE >//////< AH theyre so wonderfulllllll im soo blesssseddd,,,,, ITS LIKE ONE IM THE MORNING BUT DAMN PLZ KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT WITH UR BEAUTIFUL VOICES,,, jiminnnie is so quality in this song,,,,,**

**oh shit it ended**

**(i apologize for her. now back to our regulary schedueled shiratoris)**

 

Thursday, 3:54 am

saltabu: wow

saltabu: life is just being forced down a pathway to a cliff that is death

saltabu: what is death

saltabu: what is the universe

saltabu: why does anything exist

saltabu: does anything exist at all, or are humans just making everything up

saltabu: why do we exist

tendont: JUST TO SUFFER,,,,,,,,,

saltabu: nvrmind

 

Thursday, 8:13 am

hayatoot: oh my god shirabu was having an existential crisis and tendou just fuckin pulls up with some trash memes

semisemi: can u chill kenjirou

Semisemi: for two minutes pls

semisemi: just like

semisemi: chill

Saltabu: i havent slept in 80 years

TaichiInThePark: go to bed or I'm breaking up w both of u

semisemi: WTF DID I DO

semisemi: IM CALLING BS

saltabu: fuk u too taichi

fatherushijeems: You know we have practice, right? Please come to the gym, only me and coach are here and it's getting a little bit tense

Uncle.Grandpa: im coming right now, ushijima

tendont: lol toshi stuck alone w out crazy coach god help him

Fatherushijeems: Nevermind, Reon just got here.

.Thursday, 12:48 pm

semisemi: nya

semisemi: NYA NYA NYA :3c

tendont: what the ever loving fuck

Saltabu: wtf

TaichiInThePark: oh god who has possessed him

Semisemi: HAYATO FUCKKN GET BACK HERE I SEE U RUNNING

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ლ(=ↀωↀ=)ლ ｰ(•̃͡ε•̃͡)∫

hayatoot: dear eita whatever do u mean

hayatoot: I am innocent and wrongly accused

semisemi: u little fucker I saw u running away

Tendont: lmfao ur gonna get beat

Saltabu: oh thank god it was just hayato i actually thought you were on lsd or something

TaichiInThePark: I was about to send u that full length break up text I have pre written

Saltabu: wut

semisemi: taichi,,,excuse me?

Tendont: LMAOO

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ):ヽ(#ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ┌┛(ﾉ´Д｀)ﾉ

hayatoot: as taichi’s qpp id like to say that I helped write those

TaichiInThePark: they're just in case you fuck up rly badly

semisemi: taichi,,,,ex fuckin cuse me

Saltabu: ono hes going full on petty mode

tendont: uhoh theres trouble in kawasemishira paradise

fatherushijeems: Stop texting in class, you can't play if you fail your midterms.

semisemi: I hate you both and I'm gonna kms

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ‾͟͟͞(((ꎤˋ⁻̫ˊ)—̳͟͞͞o

tendont: awwww semisemi you want me to bring some ice cream to the dorm and we can talk about our feelings

semisemi: die

saltabu: I'm officially done with life

TaichiInThePark: <3 <3 <3

hayatoot: ever notice how that emoticon just looks like a rly sharp dick

uncle.grandpa: everyone. Go to class.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ( ͝סּ ͜ʖ͡סּ)

tendont: cA N yOu NAuGHT tSUtOmU PLS

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ( ͡ಠ ʖ̯ ͡ಠ)

 

Friday, 5:39 pm

hayatoot: GUESS WHOS COUSIN IS COMING TO VISIT

semisemi: oh fuck no

saltabu: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

saltabu: THIS IS NOT A DRILL

saltabu: EVERYONE LOCK UR DOORS HIDE UR KIDS KEEP ENOUGH FOOD AND WATER TO LAST THREE DAYS AND PRAY FOR THE BEST

hayatoot: MINE

tendont: tERUS COMING??? THAT GUY IS THE BEST

Fatherushijeems: Hayato, your cousin is the captain of Johzenji?

Hayatoot: YES

TaichiInThePark: make sure to get to higher ground

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]

saltabu: if u have a bomb shelter, hide there until further notice

TaichiInThePark: prepare for the worst

saltabu: we fear the end is near

hayatoot: ur so mean he's not that bad. He's just excitable

Semisemi: mmHMMM

Tendont: i agree with hayato lmao

TaichiInThePark: see if tendou agrees with anything, that means its horrible and something is going to get destroyed

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): lololol truuuuuu xD ( ͡°╭͜ʖ╮͡° )

tendont: SO MEAN TO ME TAICHI :((((((

saltabu: #stopTsutomu2k17

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ͜ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)ʖ ͡°)

 

Saturday, 12:09 am

Semisemi: jesus fuck i just heard terushima scream ‘hes so hot’

Hayatoot: ,,,,,,,hes yelling about his boyfriend

TaichiInThePark: he has a boyfriend ???

Hayatoot: yes,,, dont get him started

Tendont: no wait im here for this gossip

Hayatoot: hes in a long distance relationship with this american dude

Semisemi: wtf why

Hayatoot: idk man

Tendont: lmao

 

Saturday, 9:46 am

 

_Hayatoot added schrammyuuji to shiraHOEizawa_

 

Schrammyuuji: AYYYYYYY

Hayatoot: AYYY

Semisemi: ughhhhhh

Tendont: lmao eita is suffering

Saltabu: wtf the music is so loud i can hear it from this wing

Fatherushijeems: I can hear the music too, please turn it down Hayato. The RA will not be happy that your music is blasting very loudly. 

Hayatoot: NEVER

Schrammyuuji: what r u talking abt the music isnt even tht loud lmfaoooooooo

TaichiInThePark: for the love of god

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ♪L(´▽｀L )♪

 

_schrammyuuji was removed from shiraHOEizawa_

 

saltabu: much better

hayatoot: so mean :(

semisemi: tURN DOWN THE MUSIC

hayatoot: fuck no

 

Saturday, 4:14pm

saltabu: did anyone hear that screech?

TaichiInThePark: sounded like someone got murdered was it coming from the third year wing?

Hayatoot: that was me. Teru pierced my tongue and FUCK IT HURTS GDI

semisemi: why would u ever think that would be a good idea

tendont: uh oh hayatoot semisemi is in disapproving mommy swan mode

uncle.grandpa: hayato, that's really dangerous. Does your cousin know what he's doing?

hayatoot: sure sure

TaichiInThePark : I'm worried for ur life

saltabu: hey look on the bright side

saltabu: if his tongue falls off, he can't talk anymore

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): OH NO YAMAGATA SENPAI IS GOING TO DIE

tendont: pffffffff

tendont: chill tsutomu, at most his tongue will get infected and fall off

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): （〇o〇；） ！！

fatherushijeems: Satori, please don't scare Tsutomu with lies like that.

tendont: damn toshi, so uptight

hayatoot: dOES nO oNE cArE iM DyInG hErE

semisemi: no kys

hayatoot: was I talking to u semi drinka

saltabu: ONGJAJDJCKSK SEMI DRINKA B Y E

TaichiInThePark: nice kill hayato

semisemi: I hate you both

TaichiInThePark: sure babe

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): yamagata-senpai, if u die, can I have ur shrek body pillow

hayatoot: ,,,,tsutomu,,,,what did we talk about,,,,,that was a secret

tendont: …

semisemi: ……

saltabu: ………

uncle.grandpa: hayato, what?

hayatoot: LOOK IT WAS A GAG GIFT FROM TERU LEAVE ME ALONE OKAY

fatherushijeems: You shouldn't feel the need to keep secrets from us hayato, we all have ways to relieve our sexual frustration.

tendont: wakatoshi pls no

semisemi: ily wakatoshi but stop rn

saltabu: I'm still trying to comprehend the fact that yamagata hayato owns a shrek body pillow and goshiki tsutomu wants it

saltabu: y'all I'm transferring to seijoh

fatherushijeems: If you do, please remind Oikawa that Shiratorizawa would have been a better fit for him.

semisemi: let it go wakatoshi

semisemi: let it go

Hayatoot: ON THE BRIGHT SIDE MY TONGUE LOOKS SUPER COOL

Hayatoot: [attached image]

Tendont: wtf why is it neon pink

Semisemi: it doesnt look cool

Saltabu: ^

Hayatoot: wow r00d

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ପ(⑅ ॣ•͈૦•͈ ॣ)ଓ so cool!!!!

Hayatoot: at least tsutomu appreciates it

TaichiInThePark: was it really worth the pain tho?

Hayatoot: …yes

Saltabu: sounds fake but ok

Fatherushijeems: i don’t really understand why you would put a needle through your tongue, hayato

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): ꒰✪ૢꇵ✪ૢ꒱ෆ⃛ CUZ IT LOOKS SUPER COOL THATS WHY

Saltabu: again,,,, sounds fake but ok

Hayatoot: the pain is dying down,,, and I REGRET NOTHING

 

Sunday, 12:14 am

 

_Fatherushijeems added princess_alien to shiraHOEizawa_

 

Princess_alien: what the fuckity fuck is this

saltabu: who invited the ass?

hayatoot: nice kill

Fatherushijeems: I have added Oikawa because he still insists that Seijou was the best choice for him. He can see for himself what he is missing.

tendont: IM TELLING U EITA YOU LITERALLY CANNOT THROW UP WHOLE STANDING UPSIDE DOWN

tendont: wtf why is oikawa here

princess_alien: obvi im not missing much intelligence

Princess_alien: ushiwaka was harassing me and then he added me to this thing

tendont: you're the one my boyfriend is so obsessed with huh

TaichiInThePark: shits about to go down. Kenjirou get the popcorn

Saltabu: *grabs the popcorn*

Semisemi: jesus christ

princess_alien: while I can see why you would think that, I would never date ushiwaka. It would be like dating a tall tree.

princess_alien: hold on

 

_Princess_alien added dBoy and FromD to shiraHOEizawa_

 

dBoy: oh shit waddup

FromD: it's Dat Boi

dBoy: omg jinx babe

FromD: babe <3

hayatoot: lol it's the sharp dick again

Semisemi: oh god what has oikawa done

Princess_alien: MAKKI AND MATSUN

Princess_alien: TELL USHIWAKA WHY SEIJOU IS BETTER THAN SHIRATORIZAWA

FromD: we got the better memes

dBoy: YeH like Iwaizumis bara bars arms make everyone go DAYUMMMMMM

 

_dBoy added baRAARMS.CHAN to shiraHOEizawa_

 

baRAARMS.CHAN: jesus fuck

Princess_alien: ROOD IWACHANS ARMS ARE FOR MY EYES ONLY

Princess_alien: shit

baRAARMS.CHAN: wtf shittykawa

 

_baRAARMS.CHAN has left shiraHOEizawa_

 

FromD: lmao rekt

dBoy: lmao noscoped

Hayatoot: I like these people

Fromd: shreked

dBoy: lmao someone from shiratorizawa likes us matsun

saltabu: okay everyone out before I kill myself

semisemi: you'll kill urself anyways babe

saltabu: u know me so well babe

 

_FromD, dBoy and Princess_alien were removed from shiraHOEizawa_

 

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): WAIT WHY DID YOU REMOVE THEM I JUST GOT HERE TT-TT

tendont: wtf wakatoshi. why are you always obsessing over oikawa. We're supposed to be dating.

 

_tendont left shiraHOEizawa_

 

semisemi: shit I'll go see how bad he is.

TaichiInThePark: wait were their usernames from agust d’s mixtape

Saltabu: wtf

TaichiInThePark: what? I know my BTS

Saltabu: I'm breaking up with u

Hayatoot: who's ur bias?

TaichiInThePark: J-Hope,,, duh

Hayatoot: i dont think we can be friends

TaichiInThePark: Oh no dont tell me ur a anti

Hayatoot: no,,, unless ur a yoonseok shipper

TaichiInThePark: wow we really cant be friends

Hayatoot: Jimin for life

TaichiInThePark: are you a fucking yoonmin shipper i SWER

Hayatoot: fite me

Semisemi: oh jesus

Fatherushijeems: I don’t understand. Who are Taichi and Hayato talking about?

Saltabu: korean boys

Hayatoot: HOT KOREAN BOYS

TaichiInThePark: VERY HOT

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): wait are you talking about the band with rap monster in it

Hayatoot: yes

TaichiInThePark: yesss

Saltabu: jesus christ i swear to god im actually breaking up with you

Semisemi: honestly me too

TaichiInThePark: ok,,, ok,,, im stopping

Saltabu: thank you

 

Sunday, 9:45 am

 

_fatherushijeems added tendont to shiraHOEizawa_

 

tendont: guess who gives excellent make up sex

tendont: Ushijima wakatoshi

Saltabu: TMI

semisemi: so that was the ghost sounds coming from next door

TaichiInThePark: you guys were so fucking loud i swear

Hayatoot: how the RA didn't come bust guys still astounds me

Fatherushijeems: Satori, please can you not tell everyone about our sex lives?

tendont: how about no

Tendont: lmao ur lucky im not talking how great ur dick is

Semisemi: JESUS TMI TMI TMI

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): what is a dick?

TaichiInThePark: oh Christ I'm not explaining it to him

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): im looking it up

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): wait

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): I REGRET THIS SO MUCH

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): itspenis

tendont: oh shit

Uncle.grandpa: tsutomu what made you think that was a good idea?You know better than to look up anything Satori says

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): oh no what have i done

Semisemi: im just confused about how you didnt know what a dick was

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): im,,, whats it called

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): i that sexuality that doesn't like sex I think

TaichiInThePark: wait what

Semisemi: WHAT

Tendont: waIT WHAT

Saltabu: asexual, tsutomu, it's called asexuaity

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): yeah that

fatheeushijeems: That's fine, Tsutomu, you can be whatever you want. I thought I was asexual before meeting Tendou, but now I realize I'm demisexual

Semisemi: I...how did we not know this ?????

TaichiInThePark: yeah wtf ????

Hayatoot: wait goshiki is ase

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): yeah

Hayatoot: oh cool

Semisemi: HOW ARE YOU SO CALM

saltabu: not everyone is a beautiful bisexual semi eita oKA Y

TaichiInThePark: kenjirou, you literally cannot be anymore gay.

Saltabu: shut up ur gay

TaichiInThePark: **pan

Hayatoot: lmao

Semisemi: wait hayato did your cousin go home

Hayatoot: yeah TT

Saltabu: oh thank god

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): wait.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): what r all of my senpais sexualities?

TaichiInThePark: are we really all coming out again?

Saltabu: gay

Fatherushijeems: I'm demisexual and demiromantic

Tendont: gay as shit y'all

semisemi: bi bitches ;)

saltabu: shut up omg

hayatoot: bi but might be gay???sexualities are confusing???boys are cute???

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ):  and im asexual

TaichiInThePark: we know u just came out. Anyways I'm panro and homosexual

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): eEEEH ALL MY SENPAIS ARE SO QUEER AND COOL

tendont: lmao I love u too you asexual bean

 

Monday, 6:19 am

semisemi: guys I feel sick

saltabu: wut

semisemi: i threw up and I'm hot and cold and my head hurts someone come cuddle me but also leave me alone

TaichiInThePark: eita I'm coming over to bring you to the infirmary

semisemi: dontttt my roommate is still asleep

saltabu: tf eita let taichi take u to the nurse

semisemi: but practice

fatherushijeems: You shouldn't come if you are ill, Eita. You could risk infecting the rest of the team and you won't be beneficial if not in top shape.

tendont: OH NO MY BEST FRIEND IS DYING

tendont: reooon my dude wanna be my new best friend?

semisemi: if I wasn't face deep in a garbage can I would slap you

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): iLL BE UR NEW BEST FRIEND TENDOU-SENPAI

TaichiInThePark: that's it I'm coming over and we're going to the nurses

Semisemi: nnnnghhhsjdj

saltabu: see u at practice everyone except eita

semisemi: die.

 

Monday, 4:28 pm

TaichiInThePark: guys eita has a fever

Tendont: wait actually

Tendont: is he ok

Saltabu: no hes not

TaichiInThePark: stfu kenjirou you wouldnt get closer than 10 feet

Saltabu: ok fair

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): is semi senpai ok??? ((((；゜Д゜)))

TaichiInThePark: i literally just said hes sick

 

_tendont renamed shiraHOEizawa to RipEita2K17_

 

fatherushijeems: Is he actually going to die? He's our reseve setter, we need him

tendont: omg waka

Hayatoot: omg rip eita

Uncle.Grandpa: im coming over with soup and extra blankets

semisemi: …nice to know I'm wanted

semisemi: see reon loves me

hayatoot: HE LIVES

Uncle.Grandpa: im also bringing tea ill be there in five minutes

TaichiInThePark: thx so much reon

Uncle.grandpa: its no problem

hayatoot: no fair I want soup and tea

saltabu: literally why eita is the one dying

Semisemi: STOP TELLING PEOPLE KM DYING (on a sidenote: IM DYING)

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): SEMI SENPAIIIIIIIIII

Tendont: lmao

Fatherushijeems: Eita, stop texting and rest, it’s important that you get better quickly so you can keep playing.

Semisemi: ,,,ok

Fatherushijeems: Thank you

 

Tuesday, 6:05 am

Fatherushijeems: Is Eemi going to join us at practice today?

TaichiInThePark: no hes still pretty sick

Fatherushijeems: all right, but do tell semi to get better

TaichiInThePark: ok

 

Tuesday, 12:29 pm

 

_tendont renamed ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ) to coconutboi_

 

Semisemi: FINALLY

Tendont: are you still sick

Semisemi: kind of, i feel a lot better

Uncle.grandpa: thats good

Semisemi: reon, thank you so much for giving me food

Uncle.grandpa: youre welcome

Coconutboi: o(；△；)o why did you change it ????

Saltabu: because no one liked it

Tendont: yup

TaichiInThePark: tru

Hayatoot: lmao

Coconutboi: o(╥﹏╥)o

TaichiInThePark: he like TT

Hayatoot: just like TT

Semisemi: no

TaichiInThePark: you dont know how i feel, so mean, so mean

Hayatoot: im like TT just like TT

Saltabu: im breaking up with you

TaichiInThePark: noooo so mean,,,, so mean

Saltabu: seriously?

Semisemi: yes I second that notion

hayatoot: I never got my blankets and soup @reon :(((

 

Wednesday, 1:43 am

Saltabu: who tf is listening to ordinary girls AT ONE FOURTY IN THE MORNING

hayatoot: GUYS HELP

hayatoot: I ACCIDETALLY SENT A DICK PIC TO USHIJMA

tendont: ITS ME IM LOSTENING TO PORINDARY GIRLS

semisemi: literally how did u do that

hayatoot: ME AND TERU WERE COMPARING DICKS OVER SNAPCHAT AND I FUCKED UP I FCKED UP

Tendont: wait wtf

Tendont: wait lmaoooooooo

Semisemi: is no one gonna ask y he was sending his cousin dick pics?

Coconutboi: what are dick pics

tendont: don't worry wakawaka is sleeping rn so u have 6 hrs to live hayato

Coconutboi: im looking it up

Semisemi: NO GOSHIKI

saltabu: lmao I can't wait til ushijima-san sees it

Coconutboi: WHY WOULD YOU SEND PICTURES OF YOUR PENIS TO SOMEONE

hayatoot: holy shit I'm going to jump out of my window

TaichiInThePark: lmao ushiwaka is gonna be so confused

TaichiInTheParl: also rip goshiki

uncle.Grandpa: why r u all up? Go to bed.

semisemi: I was up cuz I missed a lot of homework when I was sick idk about you all

saltabu: were all fucking depressed we never sleep

Tendont: i have never slept in my entire life

Coconutboi: wow really senpai?? THATS SO COOL!!!!!!!

Semisemi: its not tho

Semisemi: also im not sick anymore so i dont need to sleep

TaichiInThePark: I'm making a list of my allergies cuz I'm pitying myself. Also me and eita are having after sex cuddles while he pretends to read about Japanese history

Hayatoot: teru woke me up with questions about his dick

Saltabu: wtf hayato

Saltabu: i feel sexcluded

semisemi: no1 loves u

coconutboi: um

coconutboi: what does it mean?

Tendont: DID KENJIROU MAKE A FUNNY

Uncle.grandpa: go to sleep

Semisemi: dont worry about it goshiki

 

Wendsday, 4:37 am

fatherushijeems: Hayato. What is this? Why would you send me a picture of you genitals?

hayatoot: USHIWAKA KM SORRY I DIDNT MEAN TO IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR MY COUSIN IM SORRY

semisemi: this is art

tendont: it's not as good as my dick, right wakatoshi??

fatherushijeems: It's better

saltabu: holy shit was that a roast

Semisemi: holy shit

TaichiInThePark: wait now im wondering how good hayato’s dick game is

tendont: FINE I DONR CARE

hayatoot: lmao get rekt tendhoe

Coconutboi: why are my senpais like this

Tendont: I H9 YOU WAKATOSHI

fatherushijeems: I mean, I did choose your dick over Hayato’s in the end.

saltabu: the fact hes using correct grammar makes this even better

Tendont: like hayato would ever date you

Hayatoot: WELL,,,,,,,

Tendont: FUCKING DONT IM COMING OVER TO UR ROOM TO CUT OFF UR DICK

Hayatoot: waIT WHAT

hayatoot: gotta blast

semisemi: hayato is literally sprinting down the hall I'm so

Saltabu: jesus fuck

TaichiInThePark: lmao

fatherushijeems: How about you come over here Satori? I'm about to get in the shower. I know you like shower sex.

coconutboi: WHAT 0-0

semisemi: THIS IS NOT PG

saltabu: im gonna go bleach my eyes

fatherushijeems: Wait, how do u get to private messages?

tendont: YES I ACCEPT I WILL MARRY YOU TOSHI

hayatoot: i could have died without knowing tendou likes to get steamy in the shower.

 

Wendsday, 6:49pm

tendont: guys

tendont: im quitting volleybal and becoming a swimmer

tendont: Im gonna marry nanase haruka and we will have many children

saltabu: someone stop him pls

TaichiInThePark: omg no haru and makoto are literally married

Semisemi: no rinharu for life

hayatoot: um???we can't be qpp anymore taichi??? souharu

semisemi: stfu hayato souharu is the worst ship

TaichiInThePark: eita. I'm sorry it has to end this way. We're breaking up. I just…I just can't date a rinharu shipper. makoharu is life die.

Tendont: wtf i only ship haru with myself

saltabu: forget dating, I'm breaking up with both of you.

Tendont: lmao

Coconutboi: honestly i only like nagisa/rei

semisemi: tru reigisa is some good shit

TaichiInThePark: something we can all agree on

hayatoot: I don't. Nagitori

Tendont: WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF

 

_semisemi removed hayatoot from RipEita2K17_

 

semisemi: it's okay kids

semisemi: the bad man is gone

TaichiInThePark: rip hayato

fatheeushijeems: Sousuke and Rin have a nice relationship in the show? I suppose they could have a loving marriage.

semisemi: wow i think everyone on the team watched free

Fatherushijeems: tendou made me watch it

Uncle.Grandpa: ive only watched season one

coconutboi: why is the convo still named RipEita2k17 he's not dying anymore…RIGHT?!?!?

 

_tendont renamed RipEita2K17 to dem hos in the audience_

 

Saltabu: what does that even mean?

 

_Semisemi renamed dem hos in the audience to tendou is a ho_

 

saltabu: finally something we can all relate to

TaichiInThePark: lmao tru

tendont: remember that time hayato pierced his tongue. I miss him, god took him away too soon.

semisemi: or that time he accidentally sent wakatoshi a dick pic? That was a good time. I really wish he hadn't died so young.

saltabu: he was such a good libero. He will be missed.

TaichiInThePark: I remember we used to play minecraft together in middle school. He was so good at it. What a talented man, the world will miss him.

coconutboi: WAIT??? YAMAGATA SENPAI ISNT DEAD RIGHT???? ONO!!!!!

 

_coconutboi added hayatoot to tendou is a ho_

 

coconutboi: UR STILL ALIVE RIGHT YAMAGATA SENPAI?????

Hayatoot: im still alive

Saltabu: sometimes i think i can still hear him texting

Tendont: he was taken too soon

Hayatoot: ffs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come scream at us on tumblr:  
> @semisemieita  
> @meowatmiku


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